A Year Has Passed

I'm tired.

I haven't slept in a year.

Yet, I feel as though I've slept through it all: my four-year-old's last year of preschool, my "middlest's" jaunt into toddler-hood and the formidable baby stage of my only boy. What happened? The past year has disappeared right before my eyes. Which baffles the heck out of me because, it's days were so long and trying and it's nights were so difficult and sleepless. It was a year fraught with a seemingly unending battle of wills, caffeine-fueled rages and tearful realizations that I was in over my head. The profound affect of sleep deprivation is incredible. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. I have new priorities, different goals and, as an unintentional result, have less friends. I did begin this journey somewhat optimistically but I fear I am closing out this chapter with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. I missed a lot this past year. Once upon a time I was a detail-minded person, obsessed with all the small things in life, determined not to forget one thing, one person. Clearly, this fairy tale has ended. So I digress...

I have just weaned my last baby. As we leave the infancy stage behind us I say with honesty and a heavy heart, that I am glad to see it go. Even as my sweet, smiling, softly cooing baby turns into a kicking-screaming-floor-pounding-cheerio-flinging-toddler, I'm glad to see it go. I know some who would take this opportunity to embrace the bittersweet last moments, drink them up until drunk with all the memories, then scrapbook every sobering detail and wax poetic about the loss of this innocent nursling to toddler-hood. But not me. After six years of either being pregnant or nursing without a moment's break I can say with confidence: I. Am. Done. and ready to move on. I trust that the bitterness consuming me at the moment will dissipate in the somewhat near future, giving way to all those GOOD memories that I will recount for years to come. After all, isn't that mother nature's way? Though I am anxious for this past year to become a distant memory, I hope this short reflection will help me remember how the difficulties of the past year pale in comparison to what lies ahead. Will there really come a day when I long to have those baby years back? That's what I'm told and retold by all those more experienced moms whose once tiny children now have tiny children of their own. I know as children grow up a whole new set of difficulties come into play. Difficulties that a mom of three "babies" can hardly imagine. As each year passes, though, we grow stronger and I'll surely be better equipped to handle these new challenges after having a good night's sleep. I hope. And when all else fails I will reread this passage, laugh, take a few deep cleansing breaths and remind myself that "this too, shall pass."

Happy Halloween!

Today we plan to set out around 4pm to participate in our first Halloween as a family of five. Hopefully DADDY will be able to get home in time to join us!

Hope everyone enjoys their festivities safely and happily.

A Morning of Clarity

This morning I had realization that made me pause amid the chaos of the day. I looked around and took a deep cleansing breath in order to compose myself. What I realized in that immense minute was that I was just going through the motions. If a diaper needed changing; I’d change it. A mouth that needed to be fed would be satisfied. Spilled milk would be mopped and strewn toys would be picked up. Dinner would be cooked and sleepy heads put to bed. All in a day’s work. And at the end of every day, I’d sit completely exhausted in a house so quiet it would ring in my ears. That was the moment I waited for all day: the moment where I could sit without anyone on my lap or pulling at my legs or crying. But why?

By focusing on the negative, I was missing out on a lot of good stuff. Things were happening around me and I was just blowing them off in order to move the time along and end the day with a tidy house a smaller pile of laundry. Note to self: Twenty years from now I won’t remember how high the dirty dishes were piled on October 29, 2008.

In a single morning I was witness to an infant’s first REAL smile, a toddler’s mastery of the basement stairs and a 4-year-old’s wildly imaginative play. A trifecta of childhood accomplishments nearly swept under the rug in a fit of mommy-madness! But no more.

Each day I will appreciate every gorgeous moment from jelly handprints on the wall to those first baby steps. And I may even get some pictures or a video or two. Heck, I may even get to write some of it down! (Note to self: Baby smiled his first real smile today…2nd Note to self: Buy a Baby Book.)

An adorable pop culture icon once said: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Words to live by.

Our New Shape

Life at our house has taken on a new shape. Having three kids is geometrically different than two…it's a completely new dimension. In the days and months leading up to the birth of our third child I often wondered, imagined, what it would be like once the baby came. I knew it would be difficult, but was sure I could handle it…or at least that's what I kept telling myself in hopes of warding off those middle-of-the-night panic attacks. And now we're here. We've arrived at this strange place in our lives. A place where the days go by so slow, yet so fast and the decibel level in our house can go from 0 to 95 in a split second. I made a new house rule the week we brought the baby home from the hospital: "Only one kid is allowed to cry at a time." For some reason, no one abided by this rule. But I digress… We've entered a reality so fraught with chaos and disillusionment, that two months ago I could have never even imagined it.

We have made it through the first six weeks, not completely unscathed, but still breathing and happy nonetheless. And with each passing day I learn a little more about what it takes to be a parent of three; and I get the answers to those bemusing questions I asked myself several months ago… "What will it be like when all three get sick?" and "What do we do if they all wake up in the middle of the night, at the same time?" and "How the heck are we ever going to leave the house?" Well, the answers are simple in theory. When you are faced with a challenge, of any kind, that seems daunting or insurmountable, you summon up all the will you've got and you just…face it. Head on. In this case, you summon up all your mommy-and-daddy-know-how, get creative, be resourceful and do what needs to be done. And we've done a darn good job so far, if I do say so myself.

Though I am proud of what we have accomplished thus far, I know that we did not get to this point without the help and support or our family and friends. Whether it be Grandma coming over to help with the kids so Mommy can take a nap, carpooling to preschool, a friend bringing dinner over or just a phone call from a caring someone "…just checking in to see how things are going…" Each and every gesture has helped us sort through the chaos and given us the strength to focus on what is most important: Our Family.

I know much of the chaos that runs rampant through our house now has much to do with the fact that a sleepless newborn, stalwart toddler and moody 4-year old, make one raucous combination. I also know this won't last forever. It will change. It'll get a little easier in some respects and a little harder in others. But you can bet we'll be ready for whatever they can dish out.

Despite the noise, piles of laundry, crayon scribbles on the tile floor, dirty diapers, dried up lumps of oatmeal stuck on the ceiling; I must say that I would not change a thing. It's stressful and nerve-racking, yes. But I look at their little faces (even when they're crying, snotty or smeared with jelly) and I see a little slice of heaven. Yes, this is a strange place we've gotten to, but it's also a good, fun exciting place filled with more kisses, hugs and cuddles than you could possibly imagine. It's a place where, most of the time, the noises of laughter and singing over power the noises of crying and whining. Who knew this much chaos could bring so much joy? I like our new shape.